“Here’s my resolution, I’m letting go.
All I need to learn is along this road.”-Nick Lachey
The words ring out from memory as lyrics I once resonated with pour through my speakers.
I have realized that everyone knows me as something I am not entirely, but the only one who knows me lives within me.
I am told I don’t have feelings,- a robot if you must.
I am told I am caustic and emotionless- dead inside if I should make a proper guess.
I am told that I am selfish and do not care, taking people for granted.
All those ‘me’ that everyone claims to see couldn’t be more inaccurate.
They say circumstances maketh a man and breaketh a woman.
I am broken in pieces unknown and every time I trust and extend myself I am broken even more.
I wait for my Kinsugi artist to line my creases with gold, mending me in parts only he can revel in.
I wait for that painter who will see my tattered canvas and not only imagine the art he can paint on it but the worth that lies in its depths.
I wait for the pianist who will look at my untuned keys and know the right placement of his fingers to make me sing my cleft.
I wait for the one who will patiently linger knowing that I am worth every timber.
I know I am not those things they say and I am willing to relish in the lies until the one who is worthy of my eyes and I of his comes along and restarts the beat of my heart.
I am over-everything.
I overthink,
I over-care,
I over-commit,
I over-love,
I over-share.
The depths of me know no bounds because that boundless love in me continues to spill.
I give everything in every way even when I don’t desire to.
I try to keep some back for myself because I know nothing is appreciated.
The emotions in me are growing each day and I am trying to understand them. I don’t feel it in the way they are growing. I don’t want them but they are ever existing.
The connection I feel with one is drowning out the other.
The connection I feel plants a seed in my heart and has its roots seeking water.
I am trying to make it wither but every time I push, it pushes back.
It just won’t die.
No one cares especially when they make their intentions clear.
And even though I know your intentions, I feel myself wanting to give everything to you.
I long to give someone all of this because it’s draining me.
My heart hurts from all that keeps boiling over and I can’t tell day from night because the immeasurable parts of me can only be filled and filed away by the abysmal depths that have always been my comfort.
“So here’s my resolution, I’m letting go.
All I need to learn is along this road.
And I just want to be the best one I can be,
Breathe. It’s my resolution.”
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