The lines of my heart burn with indecision and failure.
I broke our agreement.
I promised I wouldn’t become a statistic but I failed miserably.
I was never supposed to have an ounce of affection let alone fall.
I am falling and flailing, grasping at air trying to find strings to tether me to the sanity braces that line my mind.
I imagine having this conversation a thousand times, and each one leaves me broken and without you.
Why am I so frustrated about a situation that should never be? A situation that was never supposed to be?
Etched in the corners of my mind is the solace that I yearn for. The tranquility that my heart desires.
Desperate to maintain my facade, the emotions seep through.
Desperate to hide who I am becoming because I am scared of going down a path I once visited and trusted before.
Desperate to correct this mistake, I attacked my mental space because I should’ve known better.
Desperate to take my mind off you, I insert you in every conversation.
I itch to mention your name because it gives me solitude.
Thinking about you in any way brings a smile to my face I eagerly want to hide.
I wish I could change my fate because we both said what we wanted and didn’t want.
I lied.
I always wanted you but I took what I could out of fear and the possibility of you never seeing me the way I do you.
I lied.
I always felt you and I ignored it.
I always craved you with desires that burn through my reserve and expose my skin to the radiation of rejection.
Should I tell the truth?
Will it matter?
Should I allow myself to feel every ounce of myself and become the vulnerable person I want to be?
Or should I run away and take control of what little sanity I have left?
My heart is telling me to open up because what do I have to lose?
And then my depths respond…
I have you to lose.
Is it worth telling you how I feel to lose you?
At an impasse, I allow these words to linger in my mind, fading into the background of the soothing darkness in my life.
I want you.
I need you.
I crave you…but I have to let you go.
So I mourn you and feel you fade.
Emotions are still rampant and high but I exhale my failure and inhale my heartbreak.
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