“One, too many times my heart’s been crumbled on the floor so I had to live without it. I’m tired of crying about it. After a while I didn’t miss it anymore, I got accustomed to the quiet. Didn’t have the strength to fight it.”
I spent all my smidge of time here on earth looking and searching and seeking for that one thing that bothers me.
For so many times I thought I found it.
And so many times I failed.
Who are you?
Why are you here?
I am utterly terrified yet I don’t want to look away.
I am being pulled into a frame my mind is telling me to be wary of.
I want to scream and stay muted all at the same time.
I want to think and let my mind go blank. I feel confused. Not in a bad way. I think.
I can’t explain it. I don’t want to explain it. But I am terrified.
I am terrified that I will want to keep you and you can’t be kept. I really don’t have any more heart left to break.
We are like two unfavourable and unmatchable elements. You are the water to my fire. I don’t want you to be but it’s unraveling in front of my face and I feel powerless to stop it. Or do I?
You make me feel seen in exactly the way I have been longing to be seen.
I am scared that you will be my next heartbreak.
I don’t even want to picture you being the one who put the pieces together because what if I am wrong again?
I am not one who waits to be rescued.
I am the one who rescues.
I am the one who braves the pouring rain to save the one I care about…love even.
I am not the one who gets rescued.
And now I am thinking about it and I am wondering why is it like this.
Why couldn’t you have been an easy decision?
I want to feel safe that you are what I have been praying for, but I once believed that about another, even though I had to search and put those pieces together. I also believed he was a good person. He genuinely is, just not for me. We don’t click.
I loved him. I thought he was what I had been looking for. But you, you feel like what I have been waiting for. I don’t want you to be. You feel like peace. I really want you out of my head.
I feel like all these feelings are rushing in far too quickly. I don’t want them. I am trying to place them. I am trying to sort them out. I don’t want them. There are so many reasons not to encourage them or desire them. The main reason is You.
A big part of me hopes that I am wrong about everything. I won’t have to deal with the possibility of failure.
I don’t have any more left. I don’t have anything left to give anyone. I feel drained but excited. I feel scared but I want to try.
Sigh.
At this fork in the road, I know what I need to do…Run.
Running is what I do best. It’s what makes sense. Always has.
But you…
I find myself drowning in ways to hide from what I see,
I have never had anyone interested enough to psychoanalyze me.
I am not keen on how I feel about that.
I have never had anyone interested enough to want to know me.
It makes me wonder why though.
A girl so bland I do what I can not to draw attention.
I find you intriguing in more ways than one.
Your smile, your mind, and your arms as they linger with embracing power.
Your mountain of a body so beautifully sculpted sends a rush to my core.
My lusting desire is obvious,
I crave what you know and what you can teach me.
I can see myself enveloped in you,
Tagging our limbs until I know where you end and I begin.
You are a beautiful being that encapsulates everything.
Do I want to run?
Not anymore.
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