One of the things that comes after the storm is the calm.
For years I have been taking the lead.
I have been deciding at every turn.
I do what I want, when I want, and with who I want
I decide the stroke, the pace, and the position of thrust.
I have never had to submit.
I have never had to give in to another.
I have never had to give up control.
In a given light and on a given day I would never relinquish.
But you.
You make me listen without telling me to,
You take your time and you pay attention.
You desire for me to trust you.
Can I?
Should I?
Is it safe to?
It might seem simple but for me, that’s a big ask.
I have never left my desire out for another to make them real.
I have never left my needs for another to fill them.
I have not only been the sole proprietor but solely responsible for everything.
But you.
You make me want to learn what it is to be a woman.
but how?
How do I go from not trusting to trusting?
How do I go from always taking the lead to being led?
How do I go from being in control to relinquishing it?
How do I allow myself to be cared for; to be considered; to be listened to?
How do I allow myself not to be on my time?
How do I switch off my anxiety and forwardness?
The subtlety of craving someone I am not sure I like or want to keep seeps into my bones.
The danger of this path is one from which I should deviate.
I can’t go down this road.
This is the road of unrequited and unreciprocated emotions.
I have to reign it in.
I have to stay in control. Keep my anxiety about me. Take the lead and watch you slink away because this fit is not right for you.
I have to stay in control because if I give it up to you, I will be reliving my past.
I have to stay in control because no one can know the truth.
I have to stay in control and I don’t want to know you.
I see glimpses of you being my calm.
I can’t let that happen because that’s a recipe for disaster.
I see glimpses of you leading my beating organ.
I can’t let that happen.
You make me nervous. I don’t get nervous.
I can’t keep you, but I won’t chase you away either.
I will let you decide.
It was a good run, but you won’t last till the next moon.
I now cocoon myself into my protective shield because you will never break this seal.
So thank you for your service, you can return from whence you came and I will do the same.
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