Time and again I’ve wondered how I got this far,
this deep.
Into something that should’ve ended before we started.
The manipulation lingers in the air. I don’t know what to think.
You know exactly what to say. And even if you don’t, there is this effect that has me in a certain type of way.
Is it love?
Is it desire? A craving? A need?
I am mad at you. I tell you exactly what I want; exactly how I want to be treated.
You were handed the book that others had to work for,
and what did you do with it?
You portray a demeanor that exaggerates you.
You purport an angle that gives you power.
I can walk away, so why haven’t I?
I walked away, but strangely I came back.
Why did I?
I remember what it was like when I did.
I was happy.
It was at that moment in time that I realized that you were the cinder-block around my neck
Your existence was fucking up my peace of mind.
One of the things I have come to realize is that you are just like everybody else.
You take and take and when you have had your fill you dangle the carrot to hold me long enough until you need another go.
When you speak I don’t know what to believe.
My mind is racing and jumbled because the confusion is setting in further and further.
I want to believe you, but there is this lingering thought in the back of my mind and I keep wondering if I should trust it.
There is this feeling in my gut not to believe you because the predictability of your pattern always rings true.
it’s like everyone is pretending.
It’s like my understanding and availability are being played against me.
This one takes responsibility for his actions and I find it admirable, but I can’t quite open myself up to that energy.
I can’t feel it.
This one is reticent; making the whole shebang confusing to start.
And this one wants prayer and their hand to be held just to make a call.
This one wants to fuck around and forget the whole damn thing.
But no one ever really cared about what I wanted.
So why should I care about what you or anyone else do?
I am trying with all my might to walk into my peace of mind;
to walk into who I ought to become.
I am stumbling and crying and the mud is getting thicker.
Wet from my tears, I am fading into the darkness.
The enveloping and welcoming darkness. The only thing that gives me peace and fortifies my strength.
My peace is in the darkness that shrouds my being and I am sinking deeper and becoming one with it.
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