I would’ve lived a thousand lives before you get to live one.
I have a gift.
Not a curse.
I can run through any possibility in my mind before the end of a conversation and make a decision that would take many people days, weeks even.
I used to find ways to quiet my mind,
Quiet my thoughts.
Feel less.
Sense less.
Capture less.
Do everything less.
My body sometimes slowly catches up but cannot keep up.
Reckless, you may call it but I know the difference.
What I do and accept at any point in time I would’ve arrived at had I taken things slowly.
I know who I am.
I know my brain.
On most days it hurts and I numb the pain with Auntie Juana or Uncle Wray.
But the voices and sounds are still there.
They have always been there.
My own private entertainment
My own private show.
I try not to go too deep though because then the monsters come out
At the surface, I am protected,
At the surface, I am cared for.
At the surface, I am strong.
To be and seek after what is for me.
At the surface, I am who I want to be.
I seek one thing while many seek a lot.
I want one thing while many want too much.
The fire that burns deep inside is sought after and quenched.
The fire that burns in my belly is easily misunderstood.
I am quiet, yet I do speak.
I like silence because I love living in my head.
It has created for me a compassionate throw, as it knows what I have been through.
What I have been through to get here.
What I have been through to become the unbecoming parts of myself.
My head knows and with that protects me at all costs.
Protects me from the wretchedness of humanity, the stench of violence, and the distasteful setting that I call home.
Ah yes…my home.
My home is in my head. Safely tucked away from everyone who dares to enter.
My home is me. I take my home wherever I go and wherever I want to be.
If you were invited into my home, consider it a blessing because I don’t just invite anybody in.
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