We often say these words, “I am keeping it together.”
What exactly does that mean?
Is it holding in the anger and pain long after being disturbed?
Is it lying to ourselves again and again?
My interest however is in the why.
The Real Why.
The bottom of the dungeon-can’t-tell- anybody-about-it why.
The shameful and disgraced why.
Am I keeping it together because I am afraid to fall apart?
Or am I because there has never been a choice?
If I fall apart who picks up the pieces?
The loneliness is as unnerving as you can imagine.
The loneliness everyone shies away from but I welcome.
The patterned thoughts of yesterday that sing songs of forgotten memories
light up my world in ways that only loneliness can.
The desire to fall apart is becoming sweet music to my ears.
But I can’t
The desire to let go and fail is consuming my core.
But I can’t.
The exhaustion is setting in as the waves tide over.
The lifelessness is peaking.
It’s brimming and the braces are breaking.
I need to let go, but how?
I need to let go, but when?
I need to let go, but where?
I need to let go, but with who?
If I had the answer to these questions I wouldn’t be here right now.
The faint laughter in the background taunts me because it knows I am stuck here.
Embodied by a being that wants to keep me captive, by a soul that has tragedies for a snack.
Intoxicating and captivatingly sweet, I stretch out my tongue for the tip of the darkness to consume me.
‘I like it here’, are thoughts that push their way into my mind.
‘I want to stay here because here we are safe. No one can hurt us here.’
The temptation is true.
I could unveil and become you.
I could walk into the depths of the longing and embrace who I feel to be.
But I shouldn’t.
The states of happiness that failed,
The peals of laughter that went stale, are the reason for the existential card I try to play.
We can take turns and wait for the lines of care to be filled,
but wouldn’t we still be here next year?
I want to give in,
but I can’t.
I want to give up,
and I won’t.
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