I live in a culture and a society where we do not let go of the pain.
We move to the next available body.
We do not deal with and experience the pain, we allow ourselves to get distracted or even focus on a new project.
What pain am I running away from?
Which thought sinks into my being and deep-dive for a memory that I buried a long time ago?
Which feeling when it surfaces points out all the ways I have been wronged?
Which moment of anger tears at me, giving me the mental strength to rip your throat out?
The depth of the burial.
The desire to say fuck this and fuck that. Fuck everyone and fuck the world.
Frankly Fuck society.
How long do I have to dig?
How deep do I have to go to find a moment?
Nobody understands and they never will.
I carry the burden of the show and feel the pain when there is no glow.
“Is it worth it?” I may ask yourself
And the answer resonates throughout my being and I know this is all too fucked to be worth a damn thing.
So I listen to the speeches, the music, and the talks about getting over and dealing with the pain that I have only been adding to all my life.
And at the end of it all, I realize that I will never get better.
I do not know how to fix me and I never will know how to do anything but drill a hole so deep I want to hide inside.
I open up to the people I think I can trust and to what end?
For them to call me selfish and in need of redemption?
For them to say I am seeking approval and trying to prove a point to the ones who do not matter?
So really, what’s the fucking point?
I drain my blood and take yours in as a replacement because I saw how much you needed me.
Does anyone ask what I need?
Does anyone care what I crave?
Is it too much to ask for reciprocation?
Is it too much to ask to be respected and treated the way I respect and treat others?
When I pour all I have into a promise that was dead from the start.
When I get to the point where I stare into the abyss hoping for hope.
I am longing to trust and give what little I have left to someone who will appreciate it.
We were never supposed to be.
We were never supposed to cross the line.
My heart burns from the memory.
My skin sizzles from the remembered touch.
How will I move on from a place like this?
How will I take back what I volunteered?
The answer lingers in my mind.
I know the depth of truth and I can’t turn a blind eye.
I long to feel that immense safety wrapped around my heart.
The bliss from believing that he will never hurt me.
I want to feel that surge bubbling from within as I walk into what is deemed healthy.
I want a 100% money-back guarantee that I know that I know that I know.
I want to love boundlessly and endlessly.
To rip at the seams of desire and let flood consume me.
I want to love you, whoever you are, wherever you are.
I want to show you that my love can heal and not destroy.
I want to wrap you in my arms every night and know you are mine.
For in this world, we will create our own, twirling out of the abyss and putting off the shroud of loneliness because baby I see your heart and I belong to you the way you belong to me.
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