I can count the number of times I thought these words.
When will it be my last?
When will I allow myself to walk away from a clouded past?
The memories mostly bad than good linger in my mind.
Why is it so hard to take the first step?
Why is it easy to push away the possibility of a good thing and keep holding on to this shit?
Why do I stumble and every time I fall I land in arms that fumble?
Conversations were had.
Decisions were made.
Words were misspelled.
And I am completely dismayed.
You did the same thing I told you you like to do…
Turn things around and make them about you.
A message about your shortcomings became a conversation about me getting mad if you don’t hold up your end of the bargain.
When did I get so stupid?
When did it get so sad?
I know the reason and I understand.
The fear clutches my chest because I need to protect my kin.
No one will understand that but me.
Trying and trusting,
Trusting and trying only brings back the pain so deep.
I beg for the darkness to take me.
The pain to be forgotten.
The desire never to be remembered.
Longing for the feeling of release.
But you don’t get it. You never did.
My heart is fatigued,
annoyed by you.
You think you may have convinced me but you didn’t
You simply affirm what I said only moments later.
I didn’t put up a resistance because I was not in the mood for a back-and-forth with you.
You like to hear your voice.
You like to hear yourself speak your misrepresented words.
You like yourself a little too much.
You will never change and the requirements won’t either.
The sacrifice I am making not for me but for my kin will be worth it every time.
Maybe this is my burden to bear.
Maybe this is my punishment.
Maybe it was never meant to be good for me.
Maybe this is the last time.
The last time for what you might ask?
The last time I think about it being THE LAST TIME!
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