Womanhood · August 21, 2023

The Place

I went there today.

I promised myself I wouldn’t go there again.

You made me go there.

It was irksome.

I didn’t like the feeling

It was distasteful. The emotions soared and the sky went dark.

The destitution and danger filled my nostrils in ways they never did before.

The wreck sickened my stomach and made me growl.

You sent me back to a place I have no business being again.

I didn’t want to blame you but it’s you.

I never would’ve gone back there had it not been because of you.

You give excuses in ways predictable and lacking creativity.

Truth or not.

Your word must be your bond.

Take responsibility for the role you played and stop finding ways to hide behind the mask of innocence.

Because baby, innocent you are not.

Sometimes I wonder how different things would’ve been had I walked away. Permanently.

Sometimes I wonder but then if I left who would I have to send me back to this place?

Who would put the pieces together long enough to make me realize that I yearn for the pain, the disdain, and the exploding vessel?

Who would carefully nurture the wounds with deceit and fill the vial with poison?

Who would take the time to hurt me; carving the wounds so delicately and then making themselves the victim?

Who?

You surface triumphantly. I need you. I need you to send me back to the place.

To the place where pain is sweet and sorrow spreads like honey over my tongue.

To the place where I desire your infliction and burn for your struggles because the empty is full and you are my empty.

To the place where the bitter is sweet and the taste of you is all I need.

The darkness encapsulates my being.

I am hollow and lifeless.

The poison seeps through and I search for your forgiveness.

My desires for you have come to the fore and you can take me and make me more.

More of what I need to be.

More of who you desire for me.

More.

Because this place I need to exist for the life that burns within me persists.

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